I was born in a religious deobandi family. Few of my relatives are among the top scholars of Pakistan. I am 29 and I was a very very practicing muslim till last month. I was always surrounded by practicing muslims and my dream was to make people realize the benefits of shariah. I was working hard to make my place in some religious political parties but didn’t like them. I am a simple electrical engineer, just doing a normal day job …. I was not interested in studies and this worldly wealth …my aim was to get the higher rank in jannah and to please allah every time. I tried to even offer tahajjud regularly. As living in Pakistan , i found muslims everywhere and was happy and always thanked allah that he made me born in an islamic country where i dont have any restriction in practicing and preaching my religion. Even being a hardcore muslim , I only knew a beautiful face of islam and like majority of muslims , I never read quran with translation , sahih bukhari and other authentic islamic material.
I was closely associated with tableeghi jamaat and they just make you learn some statements and you have to repeat them over and over again. I was strictly against reading quran with translation as all the scholars in pakistan say that common muslims should no read quran and hadiths with understanding . But few months back I just wanted to find out some material and got an urdu translation of quran. Before reading quran I only knew surah rahman that is full of heaven’s description and how merciful allah is. But when i started reading quran I was shocked to see that how ruthless allah is. On small small stuff he threatens his creation for the hell fire. Azaab in this world, azaab in qabar (not in quran but a strong concept held among scholars), eternal hell for disbelievers ………I was very tolerant towards non muslims and didn’t like the idea that they should be deprived of their rights in islamic countries. I used to think that allah is merciful and he will inshallah forgive all those who are not accepting islam in their ignorance. But the more i read quran , I found that allah is not that merciful esp for non muslims. After reading quran many questions were there in my mind, I consulted many scholars and even i got abused by many that i m getting daemon possessed. After that I was always in doubt even when i was offering salaah , I used to think that why we recite “Bismillahe-ar-rahman-e-raheem” , as allah is not all merciful. That was the seed of doubt. But i continued with doubts as the fear of hell fire was still there in my mind. As i m educated so i have access to computer and internet. While searching for the truth over internet I came to know that muslims are only 11-13% in this world. I was like “huh, all powerful god unable to convince large number of human beings? all merciful god will send rest of his creation to hell fire just because they didnt believe in him and his last prophet?” …….that i think was the beginning towards the end of my faith….I continued searching and came across a youtube video that talks about history of monotheism .
I also came to know that only 3 abrahamic religions are dominant (Judaism,Christianity and Islam) ……I thought why allah didn’t completely destroy all the false religions so everyone can have a single religion and then if someone disobeys or disbelieve , punishment makes sense. That video made sense to me but the idea of all powerful god was not easy to reject…i continued searching for truth for months….so 3 days back i realized the truth that god(may or may not) exists but he do not send any prophets and religions , because if he is all powerful then he doesn’t requires to call a 7th century trader in the cave and then ask to preach his words to the world. What if someone asked for proof and evidence…and what if someone denied him ? how someone can believe that a normal human being suddenly started getting revelation in cave in darkness.All these things i used to explain to other people but when these question appeared in my mind…they were not easy to answer and still they are unanswerable…….i have to live a double life because i cant tell about my apostasy to anyone in my family. So friends this is my story.